*before I start, let me put this PSA out that this post does have some triggers due to recent events. it touches some topics that are not only difficult to talk about, but can trigger emotions, thoughts, feelings, and moments. although there are things in which i can only speak from my personal experience, please do not hesitate to contact me if you have feelings/thoughts of suicide, or please contact 800.273.8255. i’m serious. please. thank you.
“The pain in my heart just won’t end..
the words that I find just don’t seem to compare..
awaiting my death in the end..
alone, i must seek out the end to begin..
so nobody wants death ’cause nobody wants life to end..~ XXXTentacion, “Orlando”
I had something that was written a while ago that I didn’t post because that’s what I do.. write posts, eat a sandwich, and hey, look at that, it’s six months later and it’s still in the drafts, gg lolz. I said it wouldn’t be a month after my trip that I would post things from where I’ve traversed. And it’s true.
It’s been almost seven. Fantastic.
Yeah, I screwed the pooch on that one. My fault. So here we are on day 171 of the year of our Lord 2018, and we’re just getting started on this year’s posts. Eesh, all bad. I know I have a lot to catch up on in terms of epic traveling misadventures (especially when the pictures are available, but the stories aren’t shared), but here’s what is where the show will be on tour in the future:
Sept 2018: Atlanta, GA
My streak of going to a new place each year continues at 4 this year. This was made many moons ago through my cousin (more like my sister) that keeps griping at me to come see her. We FaceTime and call often, but it’s usually about 3,000 miles away. And to be 100, when she makes it out to the Bay, I’m often not around. So we’ll be 30 miles away rather than 3,000 and we see each other the same amount of times. Boo on me. So, here’s to me actually making the leap to the Dirty South. Plus, it’s opening weekend of the college football season, and as much as I scream Go Blue to any Ohio State fan, heading to Nashville and Memphis and seeing how dedicated they are to their teams made me want to see how the games actually were. It’s in a neutral field (but it’s still the south, so advantage SEC), and I’m not wearing any colors because I want to write something upon my return and it’d be hard to do it with a broken (insert sufficient body part necessary to write said post). So, let me be able to eat Georgia peach cobbler, finding every place to take a panoramic picture (when I’m in my house, all my pictures will be ones I’ve taken, I refuse to live through someone else’s eyes), and making it rain at Magic City taking in the culture of this majestic city. Let’s make it work.
July 2020: Tokyo, Japan
This was a long time coming. When I was young, I dreamed of going to Japan. The culture, the music, the food, the vast differences between here and America, all of it was enough to make this my dream country. As I grew older, and being the sports fan I am, I wanted to do a trip that signified my love for new sights as well as the sportsball. Five years ago, I had my eyes set on the World Cup in Rio de Janeiro. Tickets were bought, planes and hotels were confirmed, and it seemed to be a wrap..
It never happened. (Probably a good thing, the last game I had tickets to was that excruciating L Brazil took in the semis, and heads literally rolled after the game. My head stayed on, so my L might have been a bit smaller in the grand scheme of things.)
Rio was hosting the Olympics two years after, and thought that might be a great thing to experience. I planned terribly, and that came and went.
So, since I don’t want to wait until 2026 to experience a worldwide sporting event (because tickets will be a literal million thousand dollars per match), I have pinned this as the trip. July 24th, 2020 is 760 days from the date of this post, and is the start of the Olympic games. I know that there are a multitude of things that can and will occur between now and then, however, my goal is to make that official and make it happen.
It’s not just the games I want to see. I’m still a Pokémon trainer at heart, and have been since ’96. Yes, I am a nerd. No, I’m not only going to get my favorite Pokémon because they don’t have it stateside and I refuse to get a knockoff. Yes, that’s part of it. Fight me.
But truth be told, there’s a lot of Japan I want to explore. The one thing I regret in college (well, there were several, but this was actually legit and not just bad judgment at a Jack in the Box) was studying abroad. Being immersed in a country and living as they do and being a part of their culture was a dream of mine. I did some preparation a while ago.. learned phrases, downloaded Duolingo to practice.. can still recognize certain things. I don’t want to be that stupid American walking in the Shibuya district and being… well, American. You know our rep outside the country..
Anyway, Tokyo 2020. Not Trump 2020. That’s a whole different post and a lot of patience (and liquor) is needed.
Gone Too Soon
So, I’m sure it’s news to a grand total of no one that death is a part of life.. the only thing that is certain in the lives we lead (besides taxes and controversy). Natural causes, bodily failures, tragic accidents, they occur when we least expect them to. We never know the magnitude of someone’s presence until we experience their absence. This is true in the living world, and from the deceased. I’m sure you can find a quote similar to this on Pinterest or some quote board, but I’m just going with the one I am familiar with. Long story short, it is a terrible thing to experience in relation to the deceased, or as a passerby. So what about those who choose to take their own life, instead of life taking them?
Suicide has been seen as a long term solution to a short term problem. The crippling depression that comes with it can be too much for a person to overcome, no matter how strong we as a society think that they are or the possible facade that they put out to the world to pretend they are fine. Why am I bringing this up, you ask? It seems like the last few weeks (and honestly, the last few years), there has been a surge of people taking their own lives and leaving loved ones, friends, and followers behind with heartache, confusion, and regret. We may or may not see the signs, we may or may not pay attention to the changes in demeanor, and we may or may not act on our instincts to reach out to those who we suspect are going through a tumultuous time. One thing is true, there’s always that same befuddled answer when someone hears of an untimely passing like this: “I wish they would have reached out.”
Like they didn’t try. Like they didn’t think of that before they made their decision.
We have had some popular people over the last few years succumb to their own demons. Chester Bennington. Anthony Bourdain. Chris Cornell. Aaron Hernandez. Kate Spade. Robin Williams. Not even close to an extensive list, but just people you would think that would have money, power, fame, and notoriety. People you could recognize on name alone. Death spares no one, but it had an easier time claiming their lives than others. My point is, their demons, whether we know it or not, are a real thing in this world, and it’s not something that we can just blow off.. and if they can affect those who have the luxuries that most of us dream of, just imagine what is on the mind of those who are just barely trying to make it through the next day.
Of those aforementioned people, Bourdain and Williams were the ones that were the most difficult to shake. Bourdain being the Parts Unknown traveler that helped inspire my travels, and Williams being the unmistakable voice actor and Academy Award winner that we knew and loved, they both had a lasting effect after they passed.
This is a mental health issue. A legitimate one, not the type that is inexcusably given to a terrorist who attack a school, concert or public gathering. I’ve heard that those who take their own life are selfish. They take away from those that love and depend on them. I get it. But that does not mean to pass judgment. And honestly, I don’t have a cure-all for those who suffer from these thoughts. All I can do is listen, empathize, and do what I can to be there for them.
For those who have those feelings of ending it all, who have those thoughts of hurting themselves, who don’t see a way out of the tunnel.. we love you. I have been there before. I would be glad to share my story with you. It’s not an easy process, and I know it hurts. Every day is not perfect. I can be the first to tell you that. But you are worth being here. You are worth your struggle. If you need someone to speak to because you’re not sure, I am offering myself to converse. This is not to put myself on a pedestal. This is not to make myself holier than thou. This is to prevent another person who may not think they have an out from being pushed over the edge.
I’m no saint, and I never made myself out to be. But I know that if I can help someone out at this crossroads in their life (and yes, that includes my kin), I will in a heartbeat. No life is worth losing like this.
The Life of Jahseh
I’m not for a good portion of this millennial rap. Give me Black Thought over 95% of these folks out now. But this week I learned that I’m a victim of my closed-minded assumptions. This week, the hip-hop world lost Jahseh Dwayne Onfroy, more popularly known as XXXTentacion. Now, this is what I get from getting my news from Snapchat (when obvi I should be getting it from Wikipedia.. they’re NEVER wrong).. I heard the controversy regarding him, and grouped him with the other 823 artists that caught cases and would wash out.
I knew there was a battery charge against a woman, which I do not condone in any way, shape or form. I didn’t really pay attention to XXXTentacion like that, save for a few songs and a XXL cypher I gave a side eye to.. fast forward to June 18th, where the young man was gunned down at the ripe old age of 20. I get there was controversy with the magnitude of his actions, and I’m not one to play his D.A. with what he had done. However, like many posthumous artists, their music is what lives on past their time on this earth. With this being the first time that I actually listened to his work, I was surprised with how I was able to connect with his music. I was realizing that this was a lot of music that I would have listened to when I was feeling the sadness I once felt. I listened to 17 and ? with an open mind (and not to make light of the fact that he’s no longer here), and although it was short (each track lasted between 1-2 minutes, hard to consider as an album), you could hear the regret throughout the album.
I would have never considered this from him. I had my head in the sand and never actually listened to what he produced. He did some egregious things, and we can’t sweep that under the rug. But it’s still a shame that another young black man with this type of talent is gunned down. We’re already far enough behind the 8 ball, there’s no need for senselessness like this.
This was a read, and I thank you for reading this. The next post will have all sorts o’ fancy pictures and be a bit more visually appealing. But as my opening disclaimer stated, please contact someone if you are having thoughts, feelings, or on the verge of suicide. Get in contact with me, call 800.273.8255, just please let someone know.
Until the next misadventure.. #overandout
Jay's Epic Misadventures 