let me just get this out the way, yeah? for legal’s sake.

Disclaimer: all past, present, and future views expressed throughout Jay’s Epic Misadventures are solely my own, and do not represent the opinions of any particular entity or affiliation I associate with. Short story shorter, don’t try to link what I say/think as a negative to where I work/who I associate with. Kay? Bet.

every time i’m walkin’ out/
i can hear you telling me to turn around/
fighting for my trust and you won’t back down/
even if we gotta risk it all right now…/

Post Malone, “Sunflower”

Be more active with posting, he said.
Something coming, “quality over quantity”, he said.
Yeah, yeah.
Nearly ten full weeks into the year of our Lord 2019 and we still can’t keep consistency. I get it. I’ve been frustrated with how little content I’ve been able to put to paper/site. Trust me, it’s not like I didn’t want to publish something.. just never got it in gear.   Composed these tweets all in my feels, foreshadowing and making light of topics that were are important to me, only to end up with a goose egg for November, December, January, and February. I don’t plan of making March part of that list either.

So, 2018 was a year of change. (Wait, J, why tf are we talking about 2018, we’re pretty deep into this year already.. I mean, the fxcking Patriots already won again, we’re closer to Easter than New Year’s Day, why go back?)

I’m glad you asked. You really didn’t, but since we’re here..

2018 was a year of change.. and I never really put it to bed properly. So here we go.

I was not as great as advertised. I’ve done some not so peachy things that I thought were justified, but truthfully, I was an asshat for a long period of time disguised as a good guy. Why do I bring this up now? Maybe because hindsight is 20/15 and retrospect is part of growth. That, and I’ve seen how self-centered I can be, and it’s scary to know how self-absorbed I can become (and convince myself that I’m in the right). It led me to tweet a few things back in January that are still relevant:

                                                         

Here is due time. I never thought I was perfect, but my actions didn’t match me trying to be a good person. I was manipulative, I was unabashedly self-centered thinking I was just trying to do the right thing. I hurt a hell of a lot of people. Before college, during college, after college.. WAY after college. You can chalk it up to age and gaining wisdom and the like afterward, but that doesn’t take away from the scores of those scorned. There’s a number of people who I have lost contact with.. some of them being part of the 90% you lose contact with after you graduate, but more than some of those could (and in all honesty, should) have been preserved. Not only have relationships been severed (both platonic and intimate), but bridges have been burned, and while it was never an intention to do so, I was the cause of it.. and there are real consequences for that.

For those who are still able to hold conversations with me and understand that I’m not the same person who I was 1/5/10 years ago, I appreciate you more than you know. Not to say that there wasn’t a long period of time where there was anger and justifiable hatred, but the fact that it was able to be repaired is a blessing that is not lost on me. I thank you for your patience.

This is not a pity party. If that would be the case, I would sulk in it and not be appreciative of what I have now. This is all part of my personal growth over the last several months (with a long way to go), and for me to be a legit role model for my daughter without casting any other shadows. Lord knows I’ve already done that. Nevertheless.

All of our actions lead us up to where we are today, whether positive or negative. They say we have to play the hand we were dealt, but you don’t do yourself any favors reaching at the bottom of the deck. There is plenty of undue and unjust anguish I have caused.. broken promises, dreams never realized, the whole nine. Words may have no meaning, and it may be (hell, is) too late for actions. But I will do something I felt too proud to do before.. own it.

I fxcked up. I’m sorry. Truly, wholly, unequivocally. I have done irrevocable damage and made things irreparable. T’was never my intention, but intention is futile if it happened nevertheless.

I live with the consequences of my actions, and I wish nothing but the absolute best. I continue to genuinely grow, struggle, and learn from my previous fxckery mistakes. I cannot say I will not make another mistake, but I will not become my past self. I fully claim what I have done, as bad as it has been. Let this be the end of the cycle. thank u 2018, next.

Onward and upward.

So yes, 2019. Seeing as we’re nearly a quarter of the year through already, let’s figure out which way this boat is sailing. With how turbulent the storms were last year, I’m glad the waters are (somewhat) calmer than they were 12 months prior.

Bear:

Bear is just Georgia peachy. Already standing, give her a surface, she will find a way to hold on to it, all wobbly-legged. A chatty Cathy is she, whether singing loudly in the car or trying to get any sort of attention. She grows by the hour, it seems.. too fast for my liking. I blinked and she was crawling. Blinked again, she was standing. Gluing my eyes open for a while to let this all sink in.

Bear doesn’t shy away from the human foods, either. Actually prefers it. I’ll eat something in front of her, she looks at me like, “sooooo, you sharin’ or nah?” and what, I’m gonna say no? Don’t worry, she’s not getting all the candy and such (actually giving up candy for lent, wish me luck), but she does like soul food.. not like she has a choice, but I mean, at least it’s mutual…

Traversing Updates:
Orlando, 2019: Debating whether to go in June or August, as there are scheduling conflicts with original dates planned. Nevertheless, it will be in the summer, and will be Bear’s first trip out of California. Let’s just hope that she can stand 5 hours on a flight. Surprisingly, she can take a 6 hour drive to Universal City without too much grief, she just can’t stand LA traffic. She’s her father’s daughter, all right.

Tokyo, July 2020: A little over 500 days and counting (502 at the time of the finish of the post. I started learning some Japanese words and phrases a while back, don’t want to sound/look/act like stupid American abroad. I already had that happen in Amsterdam, and I can’t tell you how clutch Google Translate is. However, I want to actually have an awkward, choppy conversation with a native there and have them chuckle at my foreign attempt, but still respond and feel halfway decent I didn’t completely screw it all up. This is the one time I wish I had studied abroad when I had the chance. But, I wouldn’t have the experiences that I do now, so like I was saying.. every choice made leads up to where we are.

I need a place for 2021. I don’t want to look too far ahead to forget what’s coming up, but besides the things I would like while I’m residing in the states, I want to have a trip to look forward to after Tokyo. Maybe Greece? Maybe Italy? Maybe Brazil? Maybe somewhere I can come back alive from? Just a thought. 

YouTube updates:

yeah, still a work in progress. As you can imagine, I don’t multi well.. or as well as I should. I need to collab with someone who has the experience with YouTube videos and being consistent with content and uploading. Looking for takers, help wanted sign is up.

Currently reading: Creative Quest, by Questlove.
It was a book that was recommended to me to be able to keep writing. A longlonglong time ago, I was an aspiring rapper, spitting notable quotables over any instrumental I could find on Napster. While it’s no longer my source of income, it’s still a passion for me to join a cypher and witness the basic elements of hip-hop. Even though I still write now and then, I haven’t been able to do so as I would please, cause adulting. I used to write songs for people, about people, dedicated to people. There’s still songs I owe out. Hopefully this will help me get back on the saddle.

Currently binge-watching: Game of Thrones.
About eight seasons too late, but hell, we’ll see what the fuss is about. Three episodes in, and I’m sloooooooowly getting into it (don’t spoil anything for me, I probably won’t know what you’re talking about anyway for a while).

Before I go, I ask you to: Keep me accountable.
There’s a proverb that pertains to work and for personal achievements that I’ve taken to heart. Don’t quote me, but it goes something like:

Every day a lion wakes up in Africa and knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.

Every day a gazelle wakes up in Africa and knows it must outrun the fastest lion, or it will be eaten.

It does not matter if you are the lion or the gazelle.. when the sun is up, you’d better be running.

I need to keep running. Towards my goals, towards my future, towards all positive aspects. I ask you when you see me, keep me honest on what I’m doing, and make sure I’m not making excuses. I don’t need to make any more going forward, they don’t get me any further down the road.

I look to make time in writing more often. I need to make sure you all have content to look forward to. I need to do better. So do better I shall.

Until the next post (which shouldn’t be six months from now, so get on me if i’m slacking), #overandout